I am egg. You are my best friend. You will take me to the circus and buy me the double-king size waffle with ice-cream and lemon curd and chocolate sauce. You will then take me to a supermarket, hold me up and make scary noises, like they’re coming from me. We will then go to the sunniest paddock and laugh at everything, including the milk bottles sitting on step. You like me better than anyone and build me a six poster bed at the rare times you are not taking me to places I want to go. You will NEVER like another egg the way you do I and you will show me off with pride to everyone and add adjectives that make me sound very cool so they all want me as their best friend too. I will constantly chatter about things like queues and how the trains are running and you will always listen attentively, not yawn, or let your eyes wander away from me. Let’s begin…

Mister FallFast – aka: the liberator – says the things we want to say, but can’t – also I just noticed I put 2001, but I meant 2021 as it was made today – it’s all very confusing, I know

back by popular demand, Mr Brimstone Piper demonstrates some exercises for the health of your mental – it should also be noted that none of these are safe for anyone, but he gets sad very easily and he loves to help and make people happy, so:

this title space is available to buy, or rent. It comprises ample space in which many complimentary features add an extra dimension of luxury

As the ‘hugging time’ draws ever near, this is an official tutorial on preparing to partake in this complex act. Please enjoy – and remember, a hug is not supposed to be frightening and in time, it may become pleasing.

Caution: contains rude

Caution: it’s messy cos I was too lazy to correct all mistakes


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